You found this blog how?! or, Fun with search engine analysis tools: Volume I

Thanks to the good folks at 103bees.com (leaving out the "www" is the latest thing now, you heard? It's supposedly redundant), I have been quite entertained over the past several weeks taking note of the ways people find Vitum Medicinus using search keywords.

Every so often, I'll see that someone came here through a search term and I wish I could find out who it was so that I could say something to them. So, in hopes that any of these individuals who stumbled upon my blog (and obviously did so quite unintentionally) have subscribed to VM via e-mail or through a feed reader or check back regularly, and will therefore read this, here is what I have to say in response to your search engine phrases. (If this was actually you, I and everyone else here would be quite interested if you'd leave a comment explaining what was going through your mind when you searched that).

And before you approach me asking "Did someone actually..." I will swear on my hamster's grave, I made none of these up.

• "Best way to separate frozen burgers"
  
  I can understand how you'd get to this website if you search that, but until Vitum Recipicus® is born, you won't find the answer here. You'd only find how not to separate frozen burgers, something I learned from a surgeon...who did it the wrong way.
  

• "Jehovah Witness are corrupt"
  
  Really... Chaque a son gôut (to each his own), I suppose... but I never made that claim on this website.
  

• "Chronic Masturbation"
  (Variations: Effects of masturbation, effects of excessive masturbation, medicine masturbation, what is chronic masturbation, fall asleep masturbating... I'll leave it there)
  
  Who would have thought that perhaps my most racy blog post (posted in the name of science, of course) would be one of my top search phrases? Okay, I suppose I should've guessed. Here is the blog post you are looking for. I won't ask...'nuff said.
  

• "Grey's Anatomy Scrubs"
  (Variations: Gray's Anatomy Scrubs)
  
  Please don't tell me you actually want to buy these. People are such corporate marketing patsys. Then again, people are influenced by marketing to a frightening degree even in preschool (Children believe carrots in McDonalds packaging taste better), so I won't blame you as much. One thing I do love about this search term - as of right now, when you search that term in Google, my blog turns up higher than the actual website that you can buy them from. Perhaps I should start selling them.

• "Empathetic Statements"
  
  Finding and memorizing empathetic statements is probably not going to make you more genuinely empathetic. Oh wait, that's my med school's entire strategy to make us more empathetic. Has it worked? It might make us seem more empathetic, but are we really? The jury's still out.
  

• "It's my summer"
  
  Indeed, it is your summer.
  

• "Chest tightness+gets worse in summer and late in day"
  (Variations: How can I tell if a rib is broken)
  
  Thanks for coming to my site, but on this one I'll have to say, Please do not google your symptoms...especially if it has something to do with chest pain! Not only will no blog actually offer medical advice AND say you should take it (hence the Finus printicus below), but you should go see a doctor if you're sick!
  

• "How to give medicine to the patient"
  
  What is this, an assignment for Caribbean medical students? "Okay, class, now we will learn administration of pharmaceuticals. Open your browser to Google..." (Sorry topher, low blow! I'm only jokin'!)
  

• "Take my MCAT for me"
  
  This one kindof frightens me. I know I don't want a doctor who made it to medical school because he paid someone to take his MCAT for him.
  

• "Why do we need our lungs"
  
  Either someone was 1. extremely, extremely, extremely bored or 2. so clueless they might actually do an autopneumonectomy (I made that up) if they can't find the answer on Google just to see what would happen. I'll ignore the obvious joke potential and not use this opportunity to make another joke about one of my naturopath or Caribbean medical student friends (whom I insult often and only ever in good fun because I actually do respect them).
  

To be continued with Volume II... "Common Search Engine Questions Answered, or, Google is the New Pre-Med Advisor"...