Speeches for Medical Students

A little while ago somebody googled my blog looking for "SPEECHES FOR NEW MEDICAL STUDENTS." (Yes, I do sometimes look at the things you type in order to find my blog. Sometimes I even make fun of the weirder ones.)

I'm not sure if the googler was a professor who needs to give a speech to welcome new medical students, or a new medical student who can't wait to hear what you're going to learn about when you start classes.

My money is on the first one... in the many times I end up helping older people with basic computer things, I have found that lots of them aren't aware that the CAPS LOCK button does something other than ensure your cap doesn't get blown off in the wind.

Digressions aside, for whatever your intention, here is a summary of some of the speeches we have received in medical so far. Hopefully here you find what you are looking for.

SPEECH # 1: "CONGRATULATIONS!"
SPEECH OCCASION: First day of medical school (Morning)
SPEECH GIVEN BY: Faculty member up to but not including the Dean.
SYNOPSIS: Congratulations! You are the best of the best! Here is a slide show of all the people in our department. Come see us anytime! Don't forget - you're the best - and congratulations. And one more thing: from all of us, congratulations.
# OF TIMES THE WORD "CONGRATULATIONS" USED: 529

SPEECH #9: "SEEING PATIENTS"
SPEECH OCCASION: Second day of medical school (Afternoon)
SPEECH GIVEN BY: Faculty members of the Family Practice course
SYNOPSIS: Congratulations on making it in to medical school and starting a career of giving professional advice to patients! But don't try giving anybody advice while you're still in medical school. You're allowed to ask patients what their expectations are of the visit, though. Congrats!
# OF TIMES THE WORD "CONGRATULATIONS" USED: 116

SPEECH #4, 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 18, 19, 22, 28: "PROFESSIONALISM"
SPEECH OCCASION: Following an expectation of our faculty that is not met by the students, or the sending of an inappropriate e-mail by a single inappropriate student
SPEECH LENGTH: Variable, usually 10-30 minutes
NUMBER OF STUDENTS PRESENT: Variable, declines throughout the semester
SPEECH GIVEN BY: Faculty member, increasing in rank and decreasing in familiarity to the students
SYNPOSIS: Don't talk during lecture, don't bend the bendable microphones in the teleconferencing rooms, don't bring coffee into the lecture hall, and don't send inappropriate e-mails to professors.
# OF TIMES THE WORD "CONGRATULATIONS" USED: 0

SPEECH #11: "EXAMS ARE COMING UP"
SPEECH OCCASION: 1 week before end-of-first-year finals
SPEECH GIVEN BY: A faculty member introduced to us in the first week whom none of us remember
SYNOPSIS: Just because you pass all your finals, it doesn't mean we will let you pass first year. Also, if you fail a final, most people get to re-write finals they fail, but don't expect this. Remedials are a privilege, not a right. Study hard.
# OF TIMES THE WORD "CONGRATULATIONS" USED: -1

SPEECH #29: "WELCOME TO SECOND YEAR"
SPEECH OCCASION: First day of second year
SPEECH LENGTH: 10 minutes
SYNOPSIS: First year was a cakewalk. This year, you have to study your butt off. You have to read outside the lectures. The teachers aren't really here to teach this year, just to give you an idea of what you need to study on your own. This is my office staff, they work for me. Study.
# OF TIMES THE WORD "CONGRATULATIONS USED: once, sarcastically